This week I will touch on several family patterns and theories. The first theory is called, Family Systems Theory, this theory is found in the family is described like a circle. A cause creates either a positive or negative feedback loop. A good example of this is a sibling bickering. One, let’s say hits his little sister. She in turn hits him back and maybe kicks him. He gets upset and starts crying. This is a good example of this theory working, because each action builds and creates another negative loop. To make these loops a bit more intricate, can be solid and easily seen, others transparent. Each way to describe these is like fences around a house, the first being super closed and obvious a cinder block fenced home with barbed wire. Everyone can see it but it’s not transparent These often manifest in a possible passive aggressive stance. Another is a house completely open, no home, open to everyone, the door is unlocked, and many people cross their yard. This could be as obvious as a fight. The final instance is like a house with a white picket fence. Open enough for observation but obvious enough to be left alone. This I often find in disciplinary action, obvious to everyone, however nobody wants or can be involved. Within these examples with the loops to build on it more are sibling or family subsystems. These are like unspoken rules or assumptions built or established within each family. A good example of this was thanksgiving in my family. It was interesting to reflect on this experience, because the situation fit so perfectly in this mold. This was an argument. Families tend to revert to family roles when everyone is gathered, even in adulthood everyone returns to their original roles. So, when my twin eldest brothers got upset with my older brother, but younger than them, they worked together in the argument against the other brother. The argument escalated into a yelling match. This I would say is a good example of the white picket fence, everyone could see, yet there were only three participates. What makes this interesting is that the behavior for the twins to bind together and gang up on another opponent came from the family long before we moved out. Since they grew up working together, they naturally reverted to this, then conflict with the next youngest brother was either constant or frequent enough for them to revert to this state at Thanksgiving dinner. Another good example is how everyone reacted. I simply observed and stayed out of it, my parents looked on, because sibling fights were not super uncommon in our household. My sister was likewise ignored. Another good example of a subsystem I observed that same day obvious in one of my sisters-in-law married to one of the twins. She wanted to leave. It can be safe to assume she would do the same when fights broke out in her household. This reaction is also very normal, as it triggered her flight reaction. When we encounter picket fence scenarios that are negative, we often react in one of three ways, fight, flight, or freeze. My sister, and I both froze. The brothers fought, and the sister-in-law took to fleeing. I think when you reflect on your role in the family it will surprise you as to how you react in certain situations is constant. There are also patterns on how you react that can be traced back to family life. What can we do about these behaviors? Well the first is to identify the behavior or role you are playing. If this is negative, I would prompt you to either change that behavior to a more positive one or altogether just stop. This will keep the same situation from triggering in the future. If a positive response is desired it will take the work of yourself to try to make that happen. This can take the form of a family discussion or even an evaluation of yourself on how you can change. If done well it will surprise your family members, due to your change they will react differently and your families roles will change in accordance to that change.

Ever feel distant from a parent, sibling or child? The first step to reestablishing a relationship with a parent, sibling, or child is to first reach out. Many people in this day simply are complacent, they wait and wait and wait for something to happen. Since waiting for a spontaneous response will fail (pulling from my own experience) the first step will be to take the initiative. Have the courage to make a phone call or to sit down and have a conversation. Learn to communicate what desire you have in a loving way. I have found with my own siblings, especially my little sister, that reaching out is the first step. However, when we do not act on reaching out nothing gets down, regardless of our desire. So… Reach out! You can do this in several ways, often it takes the form of a text message for myself. In this day and age of information, this communication is possible through a lot of mediums. When and how you communicate is important. If you fail to communicate it leads to frustration and resentment towards yourself or another party. When you communicate to your loved ones, find interest in their lives. For them to take interest in your life, you need to take interest in theirs. I have felt greater value when another takes interest in myself. This will lead to a greater positive relationship and the seeds to the greater relationship that you want with your loved ones. I have three older brothers and a younger sister, often I feel distant from them, I have tried to reach out a handful of times, but I often fail to communicate my desire for a greater relationship with them. This I find is because I lack enough interest in their lives. I don’t have any connections with them, so even if I would say reach out once or twice it does not last. Here is an analogy. Your desire let’s say is a seed. For the seed to germinate, it needs a variety of things, water, sun, and nutrients. Without family connections to generate interest its like under watering the plant or denying it water all together. But when you find family connections you water your plant, so it starts to thrive. Sunlight comes in the form of communication from the other party, if they too have meaningful communication with you it will nurture and allow the plant to thrive just as sunlight is vital to a plant’s survival. The nutrients are the environment you choose to communicate, how you act, feel, and how well it is reciprocated. You don’t want to approach this with negative feelings. It will only bring toxins and kill the plant. Once the plant has started to grow it will require regular maintenance to keep the plant thriving. A thriving plant is not a wilting one so if you notice a stagnation or decay in your relationships, seek ways to grow and nourish it. Like plants, family relationships can grow and decay but never both at the same time. There are several factors that can influence relationships that I understand that permanently can influence your mindset on this post. Family divorce, a fight or disagreement, difference in ethical values, strife, or a negative attitude can directly influence this from the start. For those struggling through these, I do not condone you if you do not want to apply this advice. Relationships are complicated and require sensitivity.

Hello! This is my first blog and I am going to write a lot about establishing family connections that have become distant connections. I would love to hear your feedback as I write about establishing contact with relatives you haven't talked to in a long or short period of time. I'll be touching on several aspects of this and including specific situations such as: all your siblings and parents are distant (irregular contact) due to distance from home, what we can all do to reestablish connections without making things awkward, and what to do if you feel ignored by family. Hope everyone enjoys! Feel free to start a conversation, I would love to here your experiences and views!

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