Parenting

Parenting from my perspective is something of an unknown to me. I am not married, and I don't have kids, but I do have a mother and a father that have raised me. This week was eye opening to me, as I recognized the techniques used mainly by my mom outlined in each lesson. The first is the outcome of each different technique. The three that stood out to me were about motivating teenagers to do things. On one hand you can get mad about something, such as chores. There are two primary ways most parents react. The first is to over react, to get angry about the very chore needing to be done and automatically ascribing a punishment if the chore is not done. The outcome of this on a teenager is not going to be positive, their respect drops for you, and you may be left wondering why your teenager is impossible to get anything done or show any respect towards you. The other is simply asking, then not following up. This also undermines you as a parent because it teaches that they can be lazy and you will end up doing it for them eventually. It breeds procrastination. The final and correct way of asking, is not only asking your teenager, or anyone else for that matter, is to give an "I" statement. Tell them using "I would really like you to clean up after yourself, I really care about having a clean house." This demonstrates that you have a personal interest in seeing this chore get done. If it still goes ignore, then, using another "I" statement, give a requirement of what will happen if it does not happen. "I really want you to get this chore done, if not then I will..." Using "I" statements will help people personally connect to you and foster respect in teenagers rather then contempt. Often times teenagers are searching for reasons why that anything needs to get done or why they need to do it. Sounds almost like a toddler, however, unlike a toddler they don't voice it anymore, instead it becomes manifest in their reactions to their environment. One thing to note about teenagers as well is that they are searching for two primary things, power and authority, something that will help fulfill this is negotiating consequences. I mean by the results of failure to follow the guidelines you may want to be in place for them. This way they understand the negative connotation of failing in their commitment, but it is also something that they really don't want. It is important when 'negotiating' that you use "I" statements in explaining your reasoning behind creating a rule or a consequence. This way the teenager will understand fully the reason the rule or consequence is in place and fully understands what will happen if that rule is violated. If a teenager feels as if they are in charge of their life, they feel more free. I understand the need for rules and guidelines now upon reflection, were beneficial for me but it caused me to distance myself from my parents. I did not want them to be involved in my life because it seemed to me they were forcing themselves into it and there was nothing I could do about it. I would suggest to communicate to your teenager gratitude when they fulfill their side of the arrangement or chore you ask them to do. This will help them feel appreciated in an otherwise insecure and unappreciative world. In school where they spend most of their time there is a constant jockey for influence and stresses and changes. It will not help them if they don't know how loved they are by you. If you never tell them, I know they will assume the opposite and continue to dislike you and continue to distance themselves.