Parenting

Parenting from my perspective is something of an unknown to me. I am not married, and I don't have kids, but I do have a mother and a father that have raised me. This week was eye opening to me, as I recognized the techniques used mainly by my mom outlined in each lesson. The first is the outcome of each different technique. The three that stood out to me were about motivating teenagers to do things. On one hand you can get mad about something, such as chores. There are two primary ways most parents react. The first is to over react, to get angry about the very chore needing to be done and automatically ascribing a punishment if the chore is not done. The outcome of this on a teenager is not going to be positive, their respect drops for you, and you may be left wondering why your teenager is impossible to get anything done or show any respect towards you. The other is simply asking, then not following up. This also undermines you as a parent because it teaches that they can be lazy and you will end up doing it for them eventually. It breeds procrastination. The final and correct way of asking, is not only asking your teenager, or anyone else for that matter, is to give an "I" statement. Tell them using "I would really like you to clean up after yourself, I really care about having a clean house." This demonstrates that you have a personal interest in seeing this chore get done. If it still goes ignore, then, using another "I" statement, give a requirement of what will happen if it does not happen. "I really want you to get this chore done, if not then I will..." Using "I" statements will help people personally connect to you and foster respect in teenagers rather then contempt. Often times teenagers are searching for reasons why that anything needs to get done or why they need to do it. Sounds almost like a toddler, however, unlike a toddler they don't voice it anymore, instead it becomes manifest in their reactions to their environment. One thing to note about teenagers as well is that they are searching for two primary things, power and authority, something that will help fulfill this is negotiating consequences. I mean by the results of failure to follow the guidelines you may want to be in place for them. This way they understand the negative connotation of failing in their commitment, but it is also something that they really don't want. It is important when 'negotiating' that you use "I" statements in explaining your reasoning behind creating a rule or a consequence. This way the teenager will understand fully the reason the rule or consequence is in place and fully understands what will happen if that rule is violated. If a teenager feels as if they are in charge of their life, they feel more free. I understand the need for rules and guidelines now upon reflection, were beneficial for me but it caused me to distance myself from my parents. I did not want them to be involved in my life because it seemed to me they were forcing themselves into it and there was nothing I could do about it. I would suggest to communicate to your teenager gratitude when they fulfill their side of the arrangement or chore you ask them to do. This will help them feel appreciated in an otherwise insecure and unappreciative world. In school where they spend most of their time there is a constant jockey for influence and stresses and changes. It will not help them if they don't know how loved they are by you. If you never tell them, I know they will assume the opposite and continue to dislike you and continue to distance themselves.

The world perception of father, so on average each person generally agrees that to be a successful father and husband you need to make money. In other words, the are fixated on taking care of their families which is not bad. However, in their ambitions, if the family is not taken into account in how he spends his time with them marriages and families start to suffer. The man becomes blind to what matters most in his life and in the life of his family and though the goal is okay, he hurts more then expected. This is because a man's role in the home is not only to provide, but to preside. Presiding in simple definition means to lead, to be a leader in the home. He can't effectively do this when he is away nor can he if he doesn't take an active interest in the his families lives. When father spends more time at home, if he chooses to preside, everyone in the home feels more secure, safe, and a greater amount of peace. I know this is the case with my family, though I did not have a dysfunctional family and this may not be the case in all families, but if a father is doing their job as a spouse and a dad, the effect takes place within the home. When father is absent for extended periods of time homes miss out on level-headedness and leadership that the father can provide. Mom feels more like a single parent, having to deal with all the homely stresses alone. This often leads to feelings frustration and overall being overwhelmed being drained in all capacities as a mom. In order to prevent "work distancing", when the father spends to much time at work and not enough time at home, communication, making inspired decisions, making quality time, and realizing that success is not money can prevent this effect. This is because the man and woman counsel together, they can make an informed decision together, as they should in marriage, on the different factors of time at work and home. 

In society, the identity of the father is being lost amidst the goals of money and power in life. I do not recall an instance where anyone on their deathbed recalls and wishes that they had gained more money. It is more often then not, "I wish I had spent more time with my family". We can all be happy without excessive amounts of money in our lives. If we center ourselves around the family, around our loved ones we will not only be happy, but relationships strengthen and hardships are more readily able to be dealt with. Many marriages today fail because of financial reasons, whether it is time the man spends away or the fact that couples are divided on how to use it and are uncompromising, being present is the most important thing we can do as men to help our families. (I have written other blogs on communication and how spouses can learn to get along with one another) but families are being destroyed because of what has been mentioned above. When families are torn apart by divorce, not only do children suffer, but the original relationship between man and wife is shattered. Broken hearts left behind because of one issue or another and it sets both parties back emotionally, mentally, and physiologically. I plead that through better communication and a realignment of goals will help our families instead of break them apart. Set goals to change if there isn't satisfaction in your marriage or relationships. We can all choose to be different and be the difference in our families success.

Communication is huge today in our society. It links us, in an inexpensive and all encompassing way. Yet as human beings we still are failing to make sense of the sheer amount, let alone one on one communication of each other and those around the world. Instead of growing up having good conversations face to face with each other suddenly vanished and has been replaced by cell phones with texting ability. In my lifetime I grew up with this reality in middle school, and now this is affecting kids in elementary school or even earlier. This overdose of synthetic communication inhibits face to face interaction and breeds a lack of confidence in face to face communication. This is because instead of developing good habits of communication, or just simply a lack of the practice thereof, are stunted in each method of communication. These three areas are verbal, non-verbal, and visual communication that is delivered. Each message we send, and individual "codes and sends" to another who then "decodes, processes, codes, then re-sends a message" whether this communication is verbal or not, we have a tendency to miss communicate or miss understand what another person is trying to tell us, simply because we have failed or have yet to develop the necessary pathways in order to understand one another. However, even with the system of understanding in place, we can still misinterpret the communication we receive, these factors may include our emotional state, alertness, attention, and willingness to receive or believe a message. A good example of this may be tuning out your spouse, both your willingness to receive the communication and your attention are missing and compromise the entire system. So does it surprise you that today so many people are confused with a variety of subjects as broad as religion to politics. The media we receive today is vast, and it takes energy to process this information we receive. Due to our abilities or lack thereof to process communication many stories or information are bloated out of proportion to the point where some may believe in it. This makes being source critical of where our information comes from the more important, because if we are not careful, we will not understand the information given to us, and be mislead. This can lead us to making the world a more hostile and negative place, where understanding of one another is impossible simply because we came to the wrong conclusion about one another, or one subject or another. This is the challenge of my generation and all generations that are present today. If we fail to communicate, families will fall, strife will rise, and isolation and its close friend depression will continue to rise.

There is hope, one of the ways that I will be instilling in my family unit is the consoling communication. It too is a process, but one that conveys love and openness to any that are present.   1. Express Love
 2. Prayer
 3. Discuss to consensus (Lord’s will)
 4. Prayer
 5.    Have a treat

I know that this is extremely twisted to a religious sense, however, it both allows for positive communication and easy understanding of one another. I have had it in my home before, though not nearly as fleshed out, I have faith in, and see the blessings that will come if we apply this modal to our lives as we interact and discuss certain topics with one another.

Sexual intimacy and the part it plays in marriage

Sexual intimacy is both important and dynamic part of marriage. There are two main similarities that both male and females experience while engaging in coitus. The brain releases dopamine, the feeling of absolute cloud nine. The next is the chemical serotonin, which causes us to feel calm. There are many differences in mental, physical, and emotional that divide men and women while engaged. Let’s first delve into the drive of men to have coitus. Men want to have it to feel safe, close, and warm to his mate. However, for the woman to want to engage in coitus, she needs to feel close, safe, and warm with him first. This can create a problem in the marriage or relationship. The man may seem like a sexual innuendo in her eyes. In his eyes she may seem cold and uncaring, when, for them to be fulfilled they need to understand each other and respect each other. Only communication and understanding of one another can alleviate this. It also helps when they both brainstorm ideas to help each other in small ways around the house, to help each other. When going about doing good, the most important aspects to keep in mind are communication, selflessness, togetherness, and remembering the reasons and purposes of marriage. Keeping these aspects in mind these aspects will not only make each other happier but improve love in the bedroom and out. The improvement of one’s relationship with one’s spouse will lead to increase of satisfaction of life for both parties. But misunderstanding leads to division, and not understanding your partner can lead to heart break and emotional damage while engaging in intimacy. This intimacy is not meant to be a bad thing, but one that is meant to bring all closer to God, their creator that cares about them.

There is a lot of stuff to marriage that are very real today. The main issue is the cost that is spent on an average  wedding, which is $30,000. This is, from my perspective, a huge amount of money. Which is, in my perspective, a waste. I know weddings are important, but I also know that you don’t need to spend so much money to have a decent wedding. This high cost of marriage can cause some major disruptions later. There are three solutions that often occurs to afford the cost of marriage when it is so high. The first is that the in-laws or parents take care of it, usually on one side of the family. This can cause so early tension between couples, because the ones planning the marriage, who also want to be involved the most since its their money, are the parents, usually on the bride to be side of the family, particularly her mother. What often happens is that the bride, instead of bonding with her husband over planning, instead reinforces her relationship with her mother in their mother-daughter relationship. Instead of bonding to a husband-wife relationship. There also comes the notion or concept of debt to those parents, like the new couple needs to “pay back” that debt by going to that parent’s house for the holidays over the other parents. This can cause some major contempt between the newly married couple and reinforce the relationships that should not be reinforced during this time. The focus of a marriage is to reinforce the relationship between the husband and wife to be. It is integral because they want to hopefully spend the rest of their life together, and if this early relationship development at this new stage doesn’t happen, there will be a lot of conflict. To clarify I am not saying that parents should not be involved in the marriage itself. Both sides should be, but they should not be providing the backbone for the marriage to be happening. When they do, problems between the marriage will arise, and there will be conflict that drives the husband and wife farther apart rather then closer together.

            The next two major problems with a high cost marriage lie in the other two solutions. The solutions are either delaying marriage until it is affordable or go into debt. The problem I see with delaying the marriage is that it has potential to just never happen. Funds may never be available and eventually the relationship will stagnate just from a lack of progression towards marriage. Something that I have learned is that if you’re not progressing towards a goal your regressing instead. It is normal to not be progressing all the time, especially when it comes to dating, courting, engagement, and marriage, however, it is important to make sure there is more progression then there is regression. The last solution to pay for an expensive marriage is to go into debt. I know many people adults know this, and I am beginning to learn is that debt just sucks. It drains your resources and can ruin your life. Which is why for my personal wedding I will not be doing this option either. Going into debt has two major effects, the first is that often education is delayed, which hampers the ability to get a better job sooner to sustain the marriage. But also, it delays having children. Americans are having marriages later and later in their lives, and children are important because without them society collapses. The generations become less populous and can’t support the older generations or keep the economy as robust since there are less people to fill the demands of society. It is important to have children, since Americans are having children later in life, mid 30’s, debt would only delay that further and by that time people become too old to have healthy children anymore.

Preparing for marriage is a very interesting topic because its dynamic has changed so much with the technology that has developed. Technology has a major impact on how we date and how much communication takes place. There are apps for meeting people and texting to stay in contact whenever we please. But does a constant stream of texts make or break a relationship? For myself if I text a person too much, I end up not having anything to talk about when I see them in person. The same thing goes when I hang out with friends to often, I find my relationship whether that’s romantic or not weakened because we fail to connect due to over communicating. A way to circumvent this is to limit your communication via technology or at least find topics you can talk about other then your daily grind, that way you can have meaningful conversations with the people around you. Something that I learned, and frankly started to get tired of was all the planning that goes into a date. I got tired of trying to be creative and just wanted to do something I knew a girl liked rather then trying to guess. In a class I am taking on campus, my teacher took a poll of all the girls in the room who preferred a date that was planned and specific and nearly every girl’s hand,  about 15-20 hands, went up and it shocked and surprised me. This also strengthened my resolve. For any man struggling to figure out ideas on what to do for a date, I would suggest first deciding what you would like to do and make a list of things you think would be feasible. Good dating qualities to have are planning, scheduled time for pick up and drop off, and clear communication between what you expect of each other, meaning like setting up a second date. While on the date I would encourage all men to find a way to provide, preside, and protect on each date. For every woman I would suggest clear communication of feedback (how you liked the date) and showing appreciation for whatever, the guy may have planned. This is huge, especially for me, because I am seeking ways I can improve, I know I won’t be offended, and if a guy really likes you he would be willing to change and seek to include your interests in dating. This would really help any man when he is planning a date.

My second point about dating would be that there is a clear difference between hanging out and dating. What is interesting to note is that I used to think they were one and the same. I learned differently, I learned that dating requires a sort of pairing and dedication to another. Hanging out is loose, there is no pairing, nor is there any dedication. It becomes harder to communicate to a specific person. The expectations in hanging out are far lower and loose then on a date. A date creates responsibility, hanging out does away with it.

Finally, getting to know a person takes time. I have learned that it takes a minimum of three months to begin to get to know a person. Over this time period both shared experiences and communication are needed to get to understand them as a person. If these things aren’t happening, then it is likely you don’t know a person’s character. To me it is important to know a person before dedicating myself to them. However, the path to accomplish this takes a lot of time and a lot of energy. If you’re not dedicated to put an amount of time into a relationship, then it will suffer and eventually die. Thanks for reading this week’s blog!

This week’s blog is extremely controversial, you will be hearing my own views as well as what I have recently learned from several articles that I have studied. This topic is that of Gay people and the Gay community. Recently in an article I read (see link below, it is long) that Gay people for the most part do not act out due to their genetics but rather some disruption in their family life that brings them to be disconnected to boys and eventually turns into a fascination with boys. The article claims that this is the case for 90% of all gay people. This is mainly due to the article studying twin boys, and recording which was gay and which was not, and about 90% of those boys who were genetically the same one was gay and the other was not. Suggesting that being Gay does not originate from genetic code. Like I mentioned earlier this was surprising to me because I had never considered something like being Gay being the result of a traumatic or rejection event in a boy’s life. Causing a shift and a re-prioritization, in other words, they seek to find the connection to boys that should have developed long before they went into puberty. However, what is interesting still is that through counseling and succeeding in finding fulfillment in whatever activity or aspirations they hold themselves to, reverts the mind back to its original state. Meaning that a person that is Gay can become attracted to a woman now that the mind has fulfilled what was disconnecting or interfering with it originally. This leads me to view being gay as more like a mental challenge or disorder rather then a state you are stuck with since birth. It can indeed be treated if desired. One viewpoint of mine that has changed again with this topic is that often we, both as adults and children are treated to fill a certain mold based on our sex. What is interesting is that often what we mistake for a “Gay” behavior is actually a behavior that we do not expect to find in a young kid for that kid’s sex. For example, boys tend to be destructive in their play while girls are nurturing. When a boy instead of liking to destroy things takes on a more nurturing role, we often make judgement is saying that he is gay rathe then acknowledging that often we don’t conform to the strict expectations for boys and girls. What is also interesting is that if a girl takes a more “boyish” play we call them a tom girl. We don’t call them demeaning or assuming titles. So, as a society we often treat each member of the opposite sex with both rigid expectations and when those expectations are breached react differently to both. One being more destructive and assuming then the latter. We as human beings are unique individuals, and some tendencies, well a lot of tendencies we have are very similar to each other. That does not give us an ounce to judge another for small infringements of protocol or to make assuming judgement calls when we do not conform to these expectations. It then becomes important that we do not judge or assume out of context of situations in our lives. It is up to you how you treat the people around you no matter the age, experience, or sex of that person.

Homosexuality: Innate and Immutable? What Science Can and Cannot Say, by A. Dean Byrd

Classes in Society

We all know the different classes within society, the upper, middle, and lower classes. We often separate ourselves and others into these separate classes often by the amount of money they have. We often make assumptions based on other factors such as clothes, formal education, size and location of the home, speech and manner, and the activities kids or adults participate in. These assumptions are made by observation alone. When we break cultural normal, for instance, maybe getting married to someone who is more better off, others of their class may look down on the spouse that is from a lower class. Based on the assumptions made from observations, classes make judgements that are often negative. Like it is a bad thing, something to be frowned upon to be associated with someone from another class due to the access of resources they have. This is a very dangerous mentality, it can lead to a cultural divide, segregation, and even prosecution. Take bullying for example, the source (though I understand this can be much more complicated, but for the sake of the example lets assume this is the cause) could be that the victim dresses in a funny way, or doesn’t talk the same maybe they have a lisp. Either way, they are a victim to harassment due to the outward observations of class. This is a huge problem, humans, especially in the United States, often come to conclusions from observations all the time. It is how we perceive our environment. It often takes a disciplined mind to correctly conclude that does not lead to a divide of a sorts. It takes a positive attitude and a dismissal of assumptions. Often, I find that making a positive assumption about a person, even when faced with a negative behavior from that person, allows me to set aside this difference and move on. A good example of this is the drivers in Arizona or often bad. This is due to a lot of factors but that is besides the point. When I see a person speeding, when I am cut off, I think to myself excuses of why they might of done that that sheds a positive light rather then a negative one on them. “They may have some kind of emergency or are late to something important, that must be why they are going so fast.” Or “I wish they wouldn’t get in front of me like that, perhaps they really needed to get out of the turn lane and had no other way to go.” I try to keep my assumptions positive rather then negative. I try to find an excuse that isn’t bad. I find that this helps me live happier, instead of being angry I can move on and use the energy that I would’ve used being angry with something more productive. I believe that for society to start improving (this will not solve major problems but make them more bearable) we need to stop assuming in a negative fashion and start assuming in a positive one. A major example I learned about was the strain put on a Mexican family seeking to live in the United States. They love their families and want their children to have major benefits, the main one being able to speak English and Spanish. They often send father ahead first to secure finances for everyone to cross. However, this man used to be an accountant belonging to a major law firm for instance. He can only secure a less then minimum wage job in construction for instance. All because he could not afford to enter the United States legally. Due to the threat of deportation they often accept these jobs and keep them for years. The separation of father from the children can alienate his relationship with them. They are no longer a successful family in Mexico but are strained to make ends meet. This changes the family on drastic levels, in ways we often do not understand or bother to understand. This made a huge impact on me learning about this, because the media often puts refugees in a negative light and allows us to make negative assumptions. I did not know that families in Mexico, ones that were successful were also trying to come to the United States. It changes so much of their family dynamic, all so they could find a better quality of life. I am not saying this is the main group of people coming but it helped broaden my view on this controversial subject. We too need to broaden our perspectives and not take everything for granted.

This week I will touch on several family patterns and theories. The first theory is called, Family Systems Theory, this theory is found in the family is described like a circle. A cause creates either a positive or negative feedback loop. A good example of this is a sibling bickering. One, let’s say hits his little sister. She in turn hits him back and maybe kicks him. He gets upset and starts crying. This is a good example of this theory working, because each action builds and creates another negative loop. To make these loops a bit more intricate, can be solid and easily seen, others transparent. Each way to describe these is like fences around a house, the first being super closed and obvious a cinder block fenced home with barbed wire. Everyone can see it but it’s not transparent These often manifest in a possible passive aggressive stance. Another is a house completely open, no home, open to everyone, the door is unlocked, and many people cross their yard. This could be as obvious as a fight. The final instance is like a house with a white picket fence. Open enough for observation but obvious enough to be left alone. This I often find in disciplinary action, obvious to everyone, however nobody wants or can be involved. Within these examples with the loops to build on it more are sibling or family subsystems. These are like unspoken rules or assumptions built or established within each family. A good example of this was thanksgiving in my family. It was interesting to reflect on this experience, because the situation fit so perfectly in this mold. This was an argument. Families tend to revert to family roles when everyone is gathered, even in adulthood everyone returns to their original roles. So, when my twin eldest brothers got upset with my older brother, but younger than them, they worked together in the argument against the other brother. The argument escalated into a yelling match. This I would say is a good example of the white picket fence, everyone could see, yet there were only three participates. What makes this interesting is that the behavior for the twins to bind together and gang up on another opponent came from the family long before we moved out. Since they grew up working together, they naturally reverted to this, then conflict with the next youngest brother was either constant or frequent enough for them to revert to this state at Thanksgiving dinner. Another good example is how everyone reacted. I simply observed and stayed out of it, my parents looked on, because sibling fights were not super uncommon in our household. My sister was likewise ignored. Another good example of a subsystem I observed that same day obvious in one of my sisters-in-law married to one of the twins. She wanted to leave. It can be safe to assume she would do the same when fights broke out in her household. This reaction is also very normal, as it triggered her flight reaction. When we encounter picket fence scenarios that are negative, we often react in one of three ways, fight, flight, or freeze. My sister, and I both froze. The brothers fought, and the sister-in-law took to fleeing. I think when you reflect on your role in the family it will surprise you as to how you react in certain situations is constant. There are also patterns on how you react that can be traced back to family life. What can we do about these behaviors? Well the first is to identify the behavior or role you are playing. If this is negative, I would prompt you to either change that behavior to a more positive one or altogether just stop. This will keep the same situation from triggering in the future. If a positive response is desired it will take the work of yourself to try to make that happen. This can take the form of a family discussion or even an evaluation of yourself on how you can change. If done well it will surprise your family members, due to your change they will react differently and your families roles will change in accordance to that change.

Ever feel distant from a parent, sibling or child? The first step to reestablishing a relationship with a parent, sibling, or child is to first reach out. Many people in this day simply are complacent, they wait and wait and wait for something to happen. Since waiting for a spontaneous response will fail (pulling from my own experience) the first step will be to take the initiative. Have the courage to make a phone call or to sit down and have a conversation. Learn to communicate what desire you have in a loving way. I have found with my own siblings, especially my little sister, that reaching out is the first step. However, when we do not act on reaching out nothing gets down, regardless of our desire. So… Reach out! You can do this in several ways, often it takes the form of a text message for myself. In this day and age of information, this communication is possible through a lot of mediums. When and how you communicate is important. If you fail to communicate it leads to frustration and resentment towards yourself or another party. When you communicate to your loved ones, find interest in their lives. For them to take interest in your life, you need to take interest in theirs. I have felt greater value when another takes interest in myself. This will lead to a greater positive relationship and the seeds to the greater relationship that you want with your loved ones. I have three older brothers and a younger sister, often I feel distant from them, I have tried to reach out a handful of times, but I often fail to communicate my desire for a greater relationship with them. This I find is because I lack enough interest in their lives. I don’t have any connections with them, so even if I would say reach out once or twice it does not last. Here is an analogy. Your desire let’s say is a seed. For the seed to germinate, it needs a variety of things, water, sun, and nutrients. Without family connections to generate interest its like under watering the plant or denying it water all together. But when you find family connections you water your plant, so it starts to thrive. Sunlight comes in the form of communication from the other party, if they too have meaningful communication with you it will nurture and allow the plant to thrive just as sunlight is vital to a plant’s survival. The nutrients are the environment you choose to communicate, how you act, feel, and how well it is reciprocated. You don’t want to approach this with negative feelings. It will only bring toxins and kill the plant. Once the plant has started to grow it will require regular maintenance to keep the plant thriving. A thriving plant is not a wilting one so if you notice a stagnation or decay in your relationships, seek ways to grow and nourish it. Like plants, family relationships can grow and decay but never both at the same time. There are several factors that can influence relationships that I understand that permanently can influence your mindset on this post. Family divorce, a fight or disagreement, difference in ethical values, strife, or a negative attitude can directly influence this from the start. For those struggling through these, I do not condone you if you do not want to apply this advice. Relationships are complicated and require sensitivity.

Hello! This is my first blog and I am going to write a lot about establishing family connections that have become distant connections. I would love to hear your feedback as I write about establishing contact with relatives you haven't talked to in a long or short period of time. I'll be touching on several aspects of this and including specific situations such as: all your siblings and parents are distant (irregular contact) due to distance from home, what we can all do to reestablish connections without making things awkward, and what to do if you feel ignored by family. Hope everyone enjoys! Feel free to start a conversation, I would love to here your experiences and views!

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